he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
