You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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