i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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