he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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