Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
