I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
