I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize