I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
