why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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