Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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