i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I forget how to act sober
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
