bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
