So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
