I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
