I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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