is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
