i wish my penis had a tongue
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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