The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
