The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
