He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
