i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
