I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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