What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
