i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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