if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
