I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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