Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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