Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Drunk is a universal language darling
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