I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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