woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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