She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I want to be your penis for a week.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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