So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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