Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
