Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
