people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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