I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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