What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I puked a lego.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
