my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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