When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.