Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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