Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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