I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Please don't give away my fajitas
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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