mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
