I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
