the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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