I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
