The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
