She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
