In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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