tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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