It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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