a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
