She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
