I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
well you can't waste a boner
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Found your dick twin last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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