I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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