I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i've created a new STD.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
