Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
